It says a lot – or very little – about Big Gold Brick that it is an example of the book being better than the movie, even though the ‘book’ is completely fictional – not its content, mind you, but its very existence. The film, narrated by Samuel Liston (Emory Cohen), is an account of the experiences that inspired him to write a novel called “With Gold Bricks” (a title as arbitrary as that of the movie itself); a tome so hefty as to give the impression of depth, just like the movie’s 132-minute running time gives the illusion of substance. The truth is, however, that director Brian Petsos’s script can’t be said to barely scrape the surface because it’s too shallow to even have a surface to scrape. What we have here is essentially a collection of loose ends and unresolved plot points. We are introduced to a group of characters who are each given a couple of personality traits in lieu of an actual personality, as well as backstories that could fit in a cue card – they sure sound like they are being read right off one – and are never developed in the slightest. Of one it is said that “His penchant for mischief hadn't yet become a serious cause for concern”. Well, guess what? It never does. Of another one we are told that “Her growing sorrow helped turn occasional drinking into frequent cocaine use”. Other than a “mini breakdown” (emphasis on “mini”), she is never sorrowful, or high, or even tipsy – in fact, this character exists exclusively to provide a last second romantic interest. Samuel himself opens the movie telling us that “I never believed in anything really. And then I met Floyd [Andy García]”. Whether he now believes in something, and if so, what that is, or how his meeting with Floyd influenced his current beliefs, is never made clear. Nor is the nature of the Santa Claus doll with which Samuel has conversations that may be real or may be imagined – who the hell knows? In any case, the doll disappears halfway through the movie and is never seen of heard from again. And so on and so forth. Again and again connections between two things are hinted at, but a cause-and-effect relationship is never established. Characters do and say things that come out of nowhere and lead straight back there. There is no rhyme or reason to anything that happens, nor is there any method to the madness. We can’t like or care about any of the people in the movie because they remain until the end unknowable ciphers, and the movie itself, while not necessarily boring, is too long and uneventful to actually be entertaining. Nothing to see here, really.