MOVIE REVIEWS

I can only assume that Linda Blair, David Hasselhoff and Hildegard Knef were not exactly at the peak of their careers when they agreed to act in a b-class Italian horror production with a cast of virtually unknown actors. When I think about great actors, David Hasselhoff doesn't really come to my mind, but delirious as it may sound, the Hoff actually does a decent job here and manages to stand out which, I guess, says a lot about the rest of the cast. David gives us a very likeable lead that seems to genuinely care about the rest of the characters and goes out of his way to save the day. As for Linda, her acting is decent and it is nice to see a horror icon. The enjoyment of seeing Blair in this flick mostly comes from the campiness of her character towards the last minutes, but the truth is that she is not really our lead. The final girl is portrayed by the unknown actress, Leslie Cumming, who wins the award for one of the most unexcited-looking characters in a horror flick. Seriously, I don't expect superb acting in a b-class horror flick, but this girl takes things to the next level, by lacking any kind of emotion and speaking in a monotonous tone of voice throughout the entire film. In "Witchery" the story goes something like this: A young woman named Leslie travels to a remote island to do some research for a book that she is writing, which is about the occult. Leslie's boyfriend, named Gary, travels with her to take some photos for the book, since Leslie wants to provide photographic evidence about the existence of witches and, according to some local folklore, there is a strange phenomena that occurs in the island, known as "the witch's light". Though Gary is a genuinely nice guy and he wants to help his girlfriend with her book, he also sees this trip as a perfect opportunity to finally get some action with his girlfriend (don't get your hopes up, Gary!) Though Leslie appears to be in her mid twenties, she is a virgin and very proud of it, since she believes that virginity equals knowledge or something like that. During their trip to the island, Leslie and Gary decide to stay at an abandoned hotel, which they are not supposed to do, since it's private property (unbeknownst to Gary, who was under the impression that they actually had a permit, as this is what Leslie informed him) On the other hand, we have a very heterogeneous group of people that also travel to the hotel where Leslie and Gary are staying. We have the Brooks family composed by a greedy matriarch named Rose, her creepy husband, Freddie, and their two children, Jane (Linda Blair) and Tommy. It should be mentioned that the mom and dad appear to be in their late fifties and the youngest son, Tommy, appears to be less than ten years old... unusual, but not impossible. Oh, also, Jane is pregnant, though the baby's father is not once mentioned during the entire film. Jane really loves her younger brother Tommy and cares for him at all times, while Rose, the mother, appears to be somewhat of a bitch towards her son and the rest of family... and towards everyone else, for that matter (but don't worry, folks, she'll suffer horribly). Why the hell are the Brooks going to the island? Because Rose wants to buy the old decaying hotel and turn it into a private club to make tons of money out of it. Joining the family, we have Linda Sullivan, a young, sex-crazed architect hired by Mrs. Brooks to assist them with the renovations and lastly, we have Tony Giordano, a goofy-looking real estate agent who is trying to convince Mrs. Brooks that buying the old hotel is the deal of the century. When the Brooks arrive to the hotel with the architect and the real estate agent, they don't hide their dismay when they find the young couple of squatters staying there. However, Gary manages to ease up the tension by explaining that they didn't mean to cause any harm and offers everyone some coffee. Believe it or not, this does the trick and everyone manages to get along with each other just fine... well, everyone except for Rose (did I already mention that she's a bitch?) Unknown to everyone staying at the hotel, the place is also inhabited by an old witch (played by German actress and singer, Hildegard Knef), who wears tons of make up and apparently smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, judging by the sound of her voice. This unnamed witch used her powers to cause certain events that brought all these people to the hotel at the same time. Besides using her powers to lure all these strangers into the hotel, the witch also kills the guy who drove everyone to the island by boat, preventing them from leaving, so in the end, it's no coincidence that these strangers find themselves living under the same roof. Now, what does the witch want? Eh... it's a bit confusing, but at some point it is revealed by one of the characters that, several years ago, the old witch was a actually a beautiful actress who starred in several films and was unable to cope with the idea of aging, so she retired from acting, because she didn't want to be seen anymore. From what I could understand in this convoluted mess, the witch needs to sacrifice certain type of people to complete a ritual that will allow her to be reborn through Jane's baby... or something. In lieu of a completely coherent story, "Witchery" provides a truckload of entertainment and features some gruesome and nicely done death scenes. Remember earlier when I said that Rose was a major bitch and that she was going to suffer a great deal? Well, this is what happens to her: at some point, Rose begins to rant and verbally abuse everyone, including her little son. In order to prevent things from escalating, her husband advises her to take a nap (though he is a bit creepy, I gotta give him credit for handling the situation with class). Rose agrees to lie down for a while, but before she gets to bed, she is sent to another dimension that takes place inside the house (we'll get to that later) and when she travels to this place, she is greeted by the witch's minions, a couple of demented centenarians, who sew her lips together, preventing her from being able to speak again (thanks, you guys!). As if this wasn't punishment enough, Rose is later jammed inside the chimney and...what do you know? Since the air is a little bit chilly, the colorful group of characters decide to gather around the chimney and light a fire, ignoring the fact that Rose is stuck in there, slowly burning to death, while everyone enjoys the heat (in a slightly humorous moment, Rose's husband comments that the pieces of wood that they used to light the fire smell "funny") Besides Rose's death scene, "Witchery" features some other scenes and moments that deserve an honorable mention... well, at least a regular mention. As I briefly mentioned before, some of the characters are randomly sent to another dimension, through a weird reddish vortex. We don't get an explanation about this realm, but we do get to see that the witch (also known as "the lady in black") seems to be the ruler of this place, filled with her weird servants. Are we supposed to simply assume that this realm is some kind of in-between territory between Hell and Earth? I'm not so sure, but I do know that, while the scenes that take place in this odd parallel universe are somewhat creepy, they could have made an effort to make it look less like some kind of barnyard from hell. Oh, and also, the witch's minions are weird as hell, they laugh maniacally all the time, they taunt their victims and they carry a doll (don't expect an explanation). Finally, our beloved Linda Blair finds herself playing a possessed girl again, but this time, her portrayal and the reasons behind it are rather cheesy, unlike the genuinely scary scenes from "The Exorcist". In this case, Jane is possessed by the witch and when she talks, she mimics the words, while we actually hear Hildegard Knef's voice. Also, for some reason, while being possessed, Linda's hairstyle changes and it looks like she had just auditioned for a heavy metal music video or something. Not sure why a witch possessing another person's body would actually take the time to change her hairstyle, but I've never found myself in this situation, so maybe it's more common than I think. At this point, Jane/the witch confronts the remaining characters that managed to survive this deadly mess and delivers a brief monologue, in which she reveals herself as the witch and explains the reasons behind her actions, before attempting to kill the sole survivors. However, our beloved hero, Gary, grabs a voice recorder in which Tommy, Jane's little brother, recorded himself repeatedly saying "I love you, Jane". This seems to do the trick, since Jane stops being possessed for, like, fifteen seconds, but in order to prevent the evil from taking over herself again, she jumps off the window and dies. Unfortunately, this doesn't give us a happy ending: first of all, Jane, a nice gal, had to sacrifice her life and then, Gary, our beloved hero, dies. The sole survivors end up being only Tommy and the insultingly dull Leslie, who was, at some point, sent to the parallel dimension and raped by a skinny guy with sewn lips, just like Rose. In the end, we see Leslie lying in a hospital bed, where she is informed by a nurse that Tommy is fine and that she doesn't have to worry because her baby is fine, which prompts Leslie to look at the camera and say "My baby?!" with an odd expression of horror. Priceless! I highly recommend this flick to anyone who wants pure entertainment, gruesome deaths, a decent amount of ridiculousness that doesn't necessarily turn the movie into a comedy, some genuinely creepy moments and a plot that fails to provide enough logic.

***Cheesy late 80’s supernatural horror with David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair*** Eight people are trapped on a barren island off the coast of Massachusetts where there’s a spooky defunct hotel inhabited by the witchy specter of an old German actress. David Hasselhoff, Linda Blair, Catherine Hickland and Leslie Cumming (Leslie) are on hand. “Witchery” (1988) is a straight-to-video mystery/horror that combines the plot of Agatha Christi's “And Then There Were None” (aka “Ten Little Indians”) with the style of low-budget occultic-themed flicks of the mid/late 80s, like “Bay Coven” (1987), aka “Bay Cove.” Regrettably this isn’t even close to being as effective as the well done “Bay Coven.” It’s hampered by bad or hammy acting, gaudy non-special effects and a one-dimensional location, which the creators try to make up for with hard R-rated sequences, including a top nude rape scene featuring Leslie Cumming (some prints cut out these scenes). Thankfully, some sequences work well despite the low budget, like the horrific capture, torture & death of an older woman, as well as the eventual possession scenes. Meanwhile blonde Hickland is stunning (she was Hasselhoff’s wife at the time). The film runs 1 hour, 35 minutes, and was shot in Scituate, Massachusetts (the hotel), & nearby Cohasset. GRADE: C/C-